Jess Thoughts

I haven’t written in a couple of days, and a lot has happened. Today we wrapped up our corporate training, which feels strange to say out loud. It went by so fast. It was actually fun—more than I expected—and genuinely interesting. I learned a lot about communication, how teams actually function, and the subtle layers of corporate politics that no one really explains until you’re in it. More than anything, I met some really great people. Anna especially. We’ve become close so quickly it almost doesn’t make sense, like I’ve known her much longer than just a few days. It made me realize how disconnected I’ve been from the world in some ways. Not a normal life, I guess. But then again, I’ve never really wanted normal.

Which is probably obvious considering who I’m… sort of dating. My pseudo boyfriend—PBF. He hates when I call him that, which of course makes it more fun to say. But it’s not entirely wrong. Or maybe it was.

I did talk to Daniel. I didn’t tell him about anyone else—there’s no need. He still texts me, still tries, still stays present. I don’t know how long that will last before he shifts his attention to one of the other girls who are clearly interested in him. That sounds harsher than I mean it to. He’s a good guy. I just know how that world works. Attention moves where it’s returned.

PBF told me I shouldn’t say too much about any of this online. He thinks no one needs to know anything about me. He’s probably right. I just wanted to see what all the noise was about—X, Instagram, TikTok, all of it. But the more I see, the more it feels like a collection of people waiting to judge anything that doesn’t fit their idea of “normal.” If you’re even slightly different, they don’t try to understand—you just get pushed out. It’s strange how shallow it all feels sometimes. I wonder if that’s really what society is becoming, or if it’s just the loudest voices.

We had a long talk today. He took me to his apartment. It was still cold and wet outside, so we stayed in. He made hot chocolate, cooked dinner, and we talked. Or more accurately, I talked and he listened—like always. But when he does speak, it matters. He said things about me that were so accurate it almost made me uncomfortable, like he could see parts of me I haven’t even fully sorted out myself.

We talked about the age difference too. The elephant is out in the open now. For him, it doesn’t seem to carry the same weight. Society doesn’t judge older men the same way it judges younger women. I know how it looks from the outside. People will assume I’m with him for money or stability or something transactional. But he’s not rich. He’s just… steady. And that’s enough.

What surprised me is how little that matters to me.

It’s not about what he has. It’s about how I feel when I’m with him. It’s like I can breathe. Like I can just be myself without being reduced to something surface-level. I’ve spent enough time being judged—by how I look, by choices I’ve made, by assumptions people create without knowing anything real. The blonde stereotype. The “easy” label. The model, the this, the that. People decide who you are before you even speak.

Yes, I made choices. Yes, I leaned into certain things at times. But that doesn’t define all of me.

He doesn’t look at me that way.

Or he’s the best actor I’ve ever met.

We can talk about anything—food, culture, religion, philosophy, politics, science, places we’ve both been. There’s depth there. Real depth. I have more in common with him than I do with most guys my age, and that’s something I didn’t expect.

At one point he said we could move past “pseudo.”

But with rules.

We both laid them out. Expectations. Boundaries. Clarity. It wasn’t awkward. It was actually… relieving. Like stepping into something defined instead of guessing your way through it.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m dealing with a man who actually knows who he is.

And maybe, just maybe, knows who I am too.

It’s been a great trip.

A great day.

And I have a feeling this is only the beginning of something… I don’t fully understand yet.